dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
