i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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