new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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