the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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