I've blown a few things in my day
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
