I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
