dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
