I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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