if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
