suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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