a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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