my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
