Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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