he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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