after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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