worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
