at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
