he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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