WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
