Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
