oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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