I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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