I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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