I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
