Just cropdusted the office
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
