And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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