woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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