Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
