I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
