why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
