i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
