Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
