the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
