my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
