Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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