there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
