we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
