I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
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