Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
