I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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