Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
