Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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