god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
