Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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