college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
