Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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