I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
