sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
