I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
