I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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